No Such Thing

Two things:

1. Today, I held hands with a guy.
2. I am not gay.

Growing up in a society that is largely homophobic, I too had the same uneasiness and “uhhh…” reaction when guys held my hands and used my legs as pillows. Yet, as I came to realize, the subliminal messages my brain received from these actions were completely unfounded. In India, male expression and fraternity take on a new shade. Individuality and privacy are literally foreign concepts in this society. In everything from nosy relatives to patients in a waiting room, everyone is all up in everyone else’s business, both mentally and physically.

This is not something I’ve noticed for the first time, but this trip gave me numerous examples that really attuned me to the phenomenon. One of the first indications was the different understanding of the words “respect” and “etiquette.” Personal space is tossed out the window while standing in “lines”. Babies are fair game for anyone passing by to touch and coddle. Autos, buses, and trains are so packed that you must get used to the idea of constantly leaning on someone. If I was in Michigan, no matter how crowded of a room I was in, I would make every effort not to even graze someone accidentally. Even if I did, it would warrant a sincere apology.

Etiquette in India is so different that to someone unaware of the culture, he or she would quickly become offended and/or disgusted. For example, burping and passing gas are understood to be natural bodily functions, an everyday part of life. For my western trained sense of etiquette, it takes just an extra second to realize that it is fine, it is acceptable. After meals, it is expected that we wash our hands (since we had eaten with them) and rinse our mouth, all in a common sink, for which we stand in line for.

To a visitor or a judgmental mind, these things seem peculiar and outrageous. Yet, there is definitely a side to Indian society that is not seen in the US. When it comes to personal space and etiquette, women are given much more respect and privilege than in the West. For example, many buses have separate seats designated for women. When it comes to eating with hands and rinsing, we can see that paper napkins are not used and trees are not wasted. Instead of chewing gum, Indians rinse their mouth to get rid of food particles and smells.

Some of the biggest examples of lack of privacy and confidentiality came from the hospital. I am working in the radiation therapy department. Often, when patients receive treatment, they are required to take off their clothing. To visually monitor the scan, cameras are mounted to be viewed from a control room. Now, this control room opens up directly to the patient waiting area. As a result, patients and their families often walk in to ask questions and turn in paperwork. They also stand and stare at the camera screen to watch the scan. While the treatment is a novel and curious thing, patients and their families have no inhibition of just walking into a control room full of employees. There is also little objection by technicians when these visitors stand and watch the scan of a half-naked patient. I found this simply unbelievable. In addition to the scans themselves, patient records were left on desks and patient information was discussed quite openly. When I interviewed patients about the hospital quality, others would come and look over my shoulder, sit next to the patient and eavesdrop, or even chime in to voice their own opinion. I found myself feeling quite uneasy for the patient, even if watching such behavior was humorous in itself.

I won’t go into it much here, but another major example of the lack of individuality is the phenomenon of extended family living. In such settings, secrets are never allowed, and personal time/ personal space are not even thought about. I think this idea is spread to society as a whole. Liberties taken with family members are extended to the whole society.

India is raw in many respects, especially when compared to the West. People like to talk and are extremely curious. To live here, one has to get accustomed to constantly being in the spotlight and constantly being in a barrage of humanity. I have to admit that these characteristics are slowly changing from the influence of media, especially in the cities, but where I am in rural Gujarat, they are very much present.

Tonight, I’ll probably hang out with the guys again, and probably experience another expression of Indian male fraternity, but maybe I won’t pull my hand away this time…